This is my original blog that was published in dna.com back in 2015. Recently, they took down the old posts from their site. So, posting a copy here for all those who seek this story :)
A Loser's Wine Party
It was a lovely evening in the month of August 2012. The juniors
in college were busy decorating the auditorium to give us a warm farewell
party. It was the end of four years of my college life. As I walked towards the
decorated auditorium, I felt a deep sense of hollowness. It was a day to
reflect, and all I ‘achieved’ was a burden of 32 backlogs. When most guys and
girls were busy celebrating their graduation, I was sitting alone, confused and
devastated.
Personal tragedies had haunted me since childhood and to top it
all, I went through an epic love failure in the final year of college. I had
enough reasons to feel that life is miserable and meaningless.
A few years ago, when I secured a good rank in the state engineering
exams, I never thought I would end up like this. To be honest, I was late to
realise that engineering was not my cup of tea or that I hardly enjoyed
learning those subjects. The problem was, I happened to be a good student
throughout my school days. If you're wondering how that can be called a
problem, let me elaborate. According to our society, if you are good at
studies, you have just two options - become a doctor or an engineer! So, if
you're not very good at studies, you're lucky! You could be anything. Because
then, you are free from the burden of expectations. Nobody really cares about
the word ‘aptitude’ and its importance. So what does a poor aptitude plus a
lazy attitude equal? Massive Failure.
Every spark of enlightenment is preceded by a phase of depression.
Even the great Arjuna had to go through depression right before the war of
Kurukshetra. So, in my case, there I was, hopeless and depressed, with no
friends to share my grief. I was always an optimist by nature. But even that
didn’t help as I was so emotionally drained. That’s when I realised that
college is the place to make friends and not a life partner! It took me months
to recover. I listened to lot of Michael Jackson songs, read a lot of self help
articles and started a blog to fill myself with positive thoughts and
inspiration. I started writing inspirational posts and shared it on social
networking sites. The resulting positive feedback that I received from readers
infused a whole lot of confidence in me. I think our life and circumstances
are nothing but a reflection of our inner world. Miserable in, miserable out.
Happy in, happy out. It was a quite a helpful realisation to have at that stage
of my life.
During this period of emotional recovery, I contemplated whether I
could be an achiever in life without a college degree. There were several real
life legends who had done so and most had at least two things in common -
failure and obsession/passion. I started reading inspiring tales of people who
had managed to succeed even after hitting the lowest point in their lives.
In the meantime, things were not so smooth at home and outside. I
was bombarded with questions everywhere. Everyone wanted to know whether I'd
got placed or why I was still at home after graduation. I had to hide myself
indoors all the time to avoid these routine questions. I managed to evade some
with the usual set of lies, like saying I was preparing for GATE, bank coaching
or on the job hunt etc. But the relentless questions soon became unbearable and
I was forced to think about a temporary job just to shut everyone up! So I
attended a couple of Interviews, where graduation was not mandatory and even
got through jobs. But in the end, my father asked me to complete my degree
first. Things were getting tougher now.
It was then that one my friends came up with a brilliant startup
idea. It was a time when startups and young entrepreneurs were getting a
lot of attention, especially with the success of the Kochi startup
village. Even seniors from my college had dropped out and started their own
successful company. Maybe dropping out of college wasn’t a bad idea after all?
I decided to go ahead with the startup idea. We worked as a team to plan and
submit the project report. After months of discussions and planning, we got it
sanctioned by the officials and were all set to realise our dream. But alas!
Unexpected personal issues hit my friend, which stalled everything. Finally,
the project had to be discarded and that was the end of that dream.
A few months passed. One fine morning, while I was sipping my
morning tea and reading the newspaper, an ad caught my attention. A popular FM
radio channel was inviting applications for RJs and program producers. Another
opportunity! I didn’t even think or wait for a day and applied. I believed I
had the ability to impress them if I was selected for the interview. And I did!
I had a dream run for three rounds of interviews. Voice test, written test and
personal interview. I was selected for the final round, among thousands of
other candidates from the state. I felt quite good about myself then. But to my
utter shock, I was rejected in the final round! This is life. You can just play
the game, but can never question the umpire. Thus ended 2013, wasted in
meaningless pursuits. And I had only managed to pass 10 papers out of the 32
backlogs. I was still 22 papers away from my graduation.
The back-to-back rejections and failures forced me to introspect.
I felt something was seriously wrong with my life. Whatever I did, ended up
being fruitless. I was seeking answers and felt I should get in touch with my
spiritual self once again. It was then that I started practicing yoga and
meditation. It really helped me settle down the sea of thoughts in my mind.
Bhagavad Gita once again became my favourite book. A deep sense of peace filled
my mind. It was during those days that the books Autobiography
of a Yogi andMessages
from the Masters found me. Yes, I started believing that it’s
not we who choose a book, but the book that chooses you. Simply because you
deserve the energy it has to offer. The moment you feel you are a seeker,
knowledge starts flowing into you. It fills you with light and reconfigures
your mind and body. Now I could forgive the people who had hurt me in the past.
I realised that each and every person in my life had a role to play. Once their
role is over, they leave us. And that’s perfectly fine. Not everyone is bound
to stay with you forever. Those who stay, have a bigger role to play. That’s
all. And slowly, I realised why I had gone through various failures. It was
simple. Life had tried to teach me the importance of hard work and I had
refused to learn. I was chasing instant gratification and that was against the
laws of nature. Even water has a threshold to meet before it becomes steam. And
once it becomes steam, it can do things which water can’t - like moving trains!
Likewise, we all have a threshold to meet, before we taste success, before we
become heroes, before we can change the world. That’s a life lesson that I
learned the hard way. I decided to take responsibility of my life. I no longer
blamed anything or anyone for my failures. I resolved to complete my
degree.
The moment I took responsibility of my life, everything changed.
Life gifted me with a beautiful angel. Since our love story is not the matter
of interest here, I’ll skip that part. She suggested that I take up CAT
coaching alongside regular preparations for my BTech papers as she felt I’m
gifted with skills required for management. Now I was focused on improving myself
every day. It was not easy to break old habits and form new ones. It was not
easy to stay motivated throughout the marathon of 22 exams. It was embarrassing
to face my professors and juniors every time I went to college to write my
exams. But I knew that I had to struggle through the tunnel of darkness to see
the light. This was in many ways comparable to the escape of Andy Dufresne in
the movie Shawshank Redemption :D At times, I felt exhausted. At
times, I felt like giving up. But the angel kept pushing me and supporting me
through tough times.
In November 2014, I gave my CAT exam with average preparation.
Mainly because I had my BTech exams lined up throughout the year and had no
option but to sacrifice the preparation hours for CAT. When the results were
out, I scored close to 80 percentile, which wasn’t good enough to get into
the IIMs. But I was content with what I had achieved. I could still apply
to a few colleges featured in the top 50 B-schools of the country. By then, I
had cleared 20 papers at a stretch and the results of the last two papers were
pending. I had to attend the B-school interviews with my results pending.
Obviously, this made my profile very weak. During the interviews, I was asked
about my poor academics and the years I had ‘lost’, according to them. I
maintained total honesty in all my answers. I explained to them how
irresponsible I was during my college days and how things changed when I
started taking responsibility of my failures. In one interview, one of the
panel members asked me, “How can we believe that you are a changed man?" I
humbly replied, “Despite all my failures, I’m sitting in front of you right
now, attending the interview of a top B-school in the country! Doesn't this
prove that sir?” They smiled. Two weeks later, I received an email stating that
I was selected for their flagship program in MBA - marketing! Maybe they felt I
had marketed my failures well to earn a spot in a B-school ;)
The much awaited results of my last two papers were to be
published within a month. The tension was high as everything depended on the
results. Failure in even one paper would prove fatal for me. But the sweat
finally paid off..I passed! Tears flowed from my eyes. I used to wonder why
champions cried after winning. Now I knew. That scene in my life was more like
Chris Gardner crying in the end from the movie Pursuit
of Happyness. :D The one moment that I will cherish forever. The
joy of bouncing back is something special. I don’t regret my failures because
they pushed me to find myself. If you have to appreciate success better, then
you have to fail, and fail often. I got selected in all the interviews I
attended, except one.
Now, I’m a student of the prestigious B-school, IISWBM Kolkata,
which is the first and oldest B-school in India. It is also the first B-school to
complete a golden jubilee of existence, for which the government of India
released a commemorative postage stamp. When people ask me, “Oh, you didn’t get
into IIM?! Very bad”. I reply with a smile and say “Yes, I missed the grape
juice, but I was served wine!”
So, am I happy? No, I prefer a better word to express the feeling
beyond happiness - I’m content. This is not an incredible tale of success. But
this is surely my first step towards a purposeful life. Now, I can contribute
to my family, my society and my country in a much better way. When you are
trapped in a life situation which makes you feel uncomfortable, you should look
for the signs and omens. I truly believe that life sends you messages. A lot
has been written about following one’s heart to live a successful life, and all
of it makes sense. We are all blessed with the power to decipher the signs and
warnings that the universe sends us. It’s always trying to push you back to the
right path. I think, you should not let one wrong decision ruin your entire
life. We are bound to make mistakes. We should learn from it, rectify them and
move on. That’s why experience is not the best teacher, but evaluated
experience is!
